Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My response to: Finally, A Year-End List That Everyone Can Agree On…And Everyone Will Agree It Eats Shit

My way-too-in-depth response to a post on Hidden Track.

Sure, what I'm about to write lacks sophistication, but so too does the tale told by the lists in question.

The best-selling albums of the year, according to Apple:

1. Maroon 5 - Didn't hear it. Remembered that they opened for RANA at Wetlands once. Maroon 5's bass player cried that night. (NOT writer's embellishment.) Metzger punched him in the face. (Writer's embellishment.)

2. Amy Winehouse - Heard it, like it, like Sharon Jones better. Kinda bummed that a google image search of "coke whore" doesn't bring Amy up until page 3. We're all pulling for you Amy... You can do it!

3. Kanye West - Like him, didn't hear it. Probably won't try to hear it, in silent tribute to Evel Kinevel.

4. Daughtry - Who? I checked out their website and saw they played the Landmark Theater in Syracuse last - sure, a beautiful venue, but still, in Syracuse. As a Salt City native, I refuse to believe they're worth a shit. (Carrier Dome artists (Prince, GD, Stones & Springsteen among them,) are, of course, exempted from that opinion. Also, Central New York, Syracuse & especially Utica, is Phish Country, so they're exempt too, as are every band that I've worked for that played in Syracuse.

5. Colbie Caillat - Who x 2? One wasted trip to an unknown artist's website is enough.

6. Linkin Park - Didn't hear it. They have a DJ right? No offense to the DJ's I love & respect, but I gotta quote Supagroup: "You guys gotta DJ right? That's kinda like being good at the toaster. You know what? You... and your band... you FUCKIN' suck!"

7. Various Artists High School Musical - Didn't hear it. No further comment.

8. Timbaland - Didn't hear it. I really like JT though. Does that mean I'm still down?

9. John Mayer - Like him, didn't hear it. Little known fact [and the perfect tie in to my blog's stated purpose]: John Mayer LOVES Charlie Hunter. Remember when CH started playing Strat? Mayer sent him that Strat, for ser. I keep telling Charlie, "you should co-write some tunes with Mayer" But it hasn't happened yet. Tragic, really. I really think they'd come up with some tight shit. But what do I know?

10. Various Artists Hairspray - Didn't hear it. (No further comment.)

The best-selling songs of the year, according to Apple:

1. Fergie - “Big Girls Don’t Cry (Personal)” - Didn't hear it. But I'm not gonna hate. Everyone's all "butter face" (talk about lack of sophistication!) with Fergie - lighten up! I gotta say, I've hung with those guys and I know a few folks that have worked with them. Sure they got huge, but the egos are mostly in check. They're nice people, and as an employee of bands, that means something to me. Of course, this one time, their guitarist pretended to be another guitarist (also not writer's embellishment) to get laid, but hey...

2. Gwen Stefani - “The Sweet Escape” - Really like her, didn't hear it. Will try to seek it out, and with these lists, that says it all.

3. Plain White T’s - “Hey There Delilah” - Didn't hear it. Also: Who x 3?

4. Avril Lavigne - “Girlfriend” - Didn't hear it. This one time, RANA opened for Avril and since they were RANA, they were setting up their own gear. All the teenage girls up front started chanting "TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF" to Ryan (I think) and once he did, they all went crazy. To paraphrase Steve Earl "I'll stand on Jimmy Page's coffee table in my boots, and tell him to his face that RANA is as ROCK N ROLL as it gets. And if Angus Young has a coffee table, I'll tell him the same fucking thing."

5. Fergie - “Glamorous” - Didn't hear it. See above.

6. Kanye West - “Stronger” - Didn't hear it. See further above. Viva Evel!!!

7. Maroon 5 - “Makes Me Wonder” - Didn't hear it. Did I ever tell you the story about the time that Metzger kicked their bass player's ass?

8. Akon - “Don’t Matter” - Didn't hear it. Also, who x 4?

9. Timbaland (featuring Keri Hilson & D.O.E.) - “The Way I Are” - Didn't hear it. Still like JT, though.

10. Shop Boyz - “Party Like a Rock Star” - Did the Pet Shop Boys shorten their name? Didn't hear it.

So what have we learned?
1. I'm completely out of touch with the taste of the American music buying public. (Another life goal accomplished.)
2. The music industry has finally eaten itself.
3. The model, as they have sought to preserve it, is dead. (Long live Radiohead.)
4. Maroon 5 is probably rich, but their bass player is a pussy and anyone from RANA can still kick all their asses.

I can live with that.